The Daily Fantasyship Reveals Gaffer d’Or Nominations
The end of the year is quickly approaching and we here at the Daily Fantasyship have compiled a shortlist of candidates for the prestigious award, Gaffer d’Or. We have chosen candidates that reflect the values of both the Fantasyship Premier and financial fairplay. It will come as no shock to our readership that we are formally endorsing Uno—manager of Dorning FC—as the Manager of the Year. His wit, chivalry, and strategic prowess are attributes that we all envy, radiating the emerald hues forever resting atop the dewy mounds of the Elysian Fields. To what or whom can we compare Uno’s genius? When asked about the Gaffer d’Or, Uno stated, “I would vote for myself.” Even now, I smile thinking of both his effortless elegance and understated simplicity.
Sadly, however, the Daily Fantasyship must recommend a total of three candidates. And while we fully support the nomination of Uno, we also offer up these two candidates: James Kim the Korean manager of Folds FC and Johnny Italy of FC Rogue. While both managers of have shown glimmers of something other than mediocrity, we cannot fully endorse either candidate. Kim for both his dismal showing in the transfer market and controversial partnership in the now defunct Korean pop band, Sleepy Drugs; Italy for his incessant prowling along the sidelines in naught but his skivvies and il Tricolored draped over his shoulders.
It will not escape your notice that the Dictatorial Duo is absent from our list of performing managers. This is due to both their smug corruption and ballooning budget. No manger running such an outrageous deficit should ever hope to win the Gaffer d’Or, an award rooted in both honor and integrity. So let this be a warning to all: Spending is the root of evil.
The Gaffer d’Or is a respected trophy of which only a few are worthy to clutch. While we must assume the mantle of democracy, we are confident in our choice of Uno as the Gaffer d’Or. Nevertheless, voting will commence today and continue through December 1st. Every vote counts as one half of a percentage point with Daily Fantasyship holding three quarters of every available vote. There are two notable exceptions: Team Lighting’s manager, Kyle Sibling Singer, receives no vote; and the Dictatorial Duo’s vote divides by five eighths of their remaining one-third percentage point.
Let the voting commence!
The Lioness and the Dwarf
In a windswept Denver, FC Dorning hosted the Merthyr Tydfil Pendragons last Sunday. During the pregame press conference, the Pendragons’ manager, Safwyl Tudwal (a.k.a. the Dwarf), stated flatly, “We’ll win the derby, yeah? If not, you can slap me and call me ‘Sulwen.’” Well, we here at the Daily Fantasyship stretch out our mighty hand and palm strike you—Sulwen. Your braggadocio is sickening. Your side failed to attend the derby. They were lackadaisical, untidy, and distracted, which is not a player problem, but a managerial problem. This was seen most prominently in the Dwarf’s inability to prepare for Dorning’s star Argentine striker, the Lioness, who broke through a tired and outmatched Pendragons’ defense to churn out goals like a puritan churning butter. He was both brilliant and graceful. Unless the Dwarf can right the Pendragons’ sinking ship, then surely this will be his last season at the helm.
When Dorning’s manager was asked about his shining striker, the Lioness, the One said, “I tell you, it is good to win, but…I am sad. Professionally.” When asked to expound upon his sadness after such a dominating display of football prowess, he suggested that there was no need, and that those closest to him knew the reasons for his “sadness.” While we at the Daily Fantasyship can only speculate on the One’s sadness, we are certain that it comes at the shadowy hands of the greasy Dictatorial Duo—who, of late, have been quietly licking their wounds after their last encounter with this paragon of footballing journalism.
Tune in tomorrow as we detail next week’s matchup between the Duo and the One, a match for the ages, a cosmic battle for time and space. The lingering question, however, is: Regardless of the trouncing they’ll receive, will the Duo—once again—fix the final score in their favor? Never fear, the Daily Fantasyship—your footballing watchdog—will unearth any scandalous mysteries that the Duo might sow.
In other news, Team Lightning’s fans have signed a petition to change the team’s juvenile name, better suited for a children’s toy wagon than a footballing side. Lightning’s manager, however, rejected the petition on the grounds that, “Toys are fun…and I like lightning.”
And there you have it folks, this week’s Fantasyship roundup brought to you buy the Daily Fantasyship Journal. Until next time, stay sober and stay safe.
Editor in Chief,
Benjamin John Peters
Call Me Uno
In a controversial decision, Dorning FC’s owner, Benjamin John Peters, is reinstating the team’s former manager. Known as the Ingenious One, Benjamin Peters struggled last year to keep the now sophomoric team atop the Fantasyship. It remains to be seen, however, if an infusion of ingenuity can plug Dorning FC’s pockmarked hull.
During a widely viewed Skype teleconference—the Ingenious One is unable to reside in America—the Ingenious One said, “No longer am I the Ingenious One. From this moment onwards, I will simply be, ‘Uno.’ Thank you. That is all.” One reporter, however, was able wrestle out one further answer. She was a tall, saucy lady. “What of the Dictatorial Duo?” she asked. “Will they not come for you?” Uno, cool as a sidewalk in March, said, “Perhaps. But, you know, they dress in black, these pixies, and they cannot hurt me. Not really. I am god of fútbol. They? They are the nibble-nibble on the underside of boob.” Uno’s Skype feed then died, leaving only a black, scratchy screen.
The move to appoint the famed manager could not have come sooner for Dorning FC, as they dropped last weekend’s game to the Dictatorial Duo, who are currently under investigation for turf fixing. Next week Dorning FC will duke it out with the Fantasyship’s perennial bottom dweller: VfB Mannschaft, better known as, the Ape and the Mannequin.
Be sure to check The Daily Fantasyship tomorrow as we begin our seven part series unearthing the mysteries surrounding Uno’s exotic—sometimes erotic—summer fútbol retirement.
The Daily Fantasyship
Dorning FC Field Correspondent
Parting is Sweet
Bulbs flashed as the Ingenious One, wearing a skinny-jean suit with a thin tie, strode to the podium. “Controversy is courted by the great,” he began as a hush washed over the room. “I am myth—legend. I win. Sometimes I lose. The Duo of Dictatorship has been officially investigated by the F.A. of Me. I find them guilty—guilty of betting, cheating, and a general riotousness. In my mind, I say, What can I do amongst these perversions of international soccer fantasy? Then the answer comes: Your ball must be taken home. Leaving is not something I normally do, however. So I say this: first, I am dropping Manchester United from my roster. Second—” “But,” a reporter broke in, “the season is over and the transfer window isn’t open. You can’t make any roster moves.” The Ingenious One blinked. The reporter shifted in his seat. “Second,” the Ingenious One continued, “I am adding Fulham FC to my roster. Third, as manager of Dorning FC, my ship has set sail and floated into a crimson horizon. I can no longer stay.” Clamor arose. Someone shouted over the rising din, “Rumor has it that Owner Benjamin Peters fired you. Is there any truth to that statement? Do you have anything to say?” The Ingenious One looked out over the sea of reporters. “Who is Benjamin but a drop of sand? I am a beach. Who is Benjamin but a pebble? I am a mountain. Fired? Please, do not insult me with the pedestrian. I manage, therefore I am.” The Ingenious One, finishing his public statements, pushed over the podium, swiftly kicked it onto the swarming reporters beneath him, and strode off the stage. Once outside, his phone buzzed. It was a text message: We’ve released her. You did your part. Don’t ever come back. DD. “To such lowliness they have stumbled,” he whispered, as a solitary tear trickled down his cheek.